Dear Faith Family,
I have a defect, well, probably several, if I am being honest! But one, in particular, has my attention at the moment. Here it is: I have a hard time knowing what I want, really even admitting that I want anything.
Whenever someone asks me what I want, whether it be for dinner, for Christmas, for the future, etc., it causes a glitch in my system. My mind immediately begins to spin through all the things I should want while simultaneously trying to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of each. Most of the time, especially for the more mundane desires, I respond with an "I don't know." or "I don't care." But in truth, my mind just couldn't settle, and the only thing left spinning was the colorful umbrella! For the more critical desires, all I am able to articulate are vague generalities or half-truths--not that they are untrue, though they are incomplete pictures in some way.
I think the defect stems from something in my history and in my heart that has told me that desires are bad. I don't think anyone has actually said those words to me. Rather a mixture of certain personality dispositions and doctrinal emphasis throughout the years has made wanting, and especially expressing wishes, feel wrong.
Hopefully, you don't share my defect! Because the truth is, while there is plenty of personal, historical, and scriptural evidence to condemn unfettered desires, there is just as much to suggest that being "awake and alive" to our enmeshed desires is actually one of the ways we unearth our vocation, that calling on our life for which God has "reverently set us apart."
For instance, the psalmist says living responsibly and vulnerable within the faithfulness of God allows us to receive what our souls yearn for,
Trust in the LORD and do good. Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself (literally, "be soft, delicate") in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
(Psalm 37:3-4)
It seems like the good life God wants us to live, is a life in which we live out our desires in Him. Which sounds a lot like what Jesus said to his disciples the night before he gave his life for them,
If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish (i.e., desire), and it will be done for you.
(John 15:7)
So faith family, as those (like me) trying to live responsibly, I invite you to join me in also "being soft" before the Lord, letting Him examen our desires through the practice below. Trusting that He is "carefully working in you both to desire and to do that thing which you desire." (Phil. 2:13)
Love you, faith family!
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EXAMEN | DEEP DESIRES
"The people who make the wisest vocation decisions are the people who live their lives every day with their desires awake and alive…They are ones that see their desires, confront their desires, and understand what they truly yearn for."
(David Brooks)
Step 1 | Quiet Your Heart
Take three deep breaths, breathing in the Spirit of Truth. Breathe out any fear, anxiety, or arrogance that would keep you from receiving what you need most—the light ofGod’s exhaustive and freeing knowledge of you—preparing yourself to be guided to all truth in the depths of your life within His life.
Step 2 | Open Your Soul
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea...
[If my desires move me too swiftly, or if they feel unteathered]
even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about be night,'
[If I say, 'My desires feel covered by the dark, or they are hidden from me,]
even the darkness is not dark to You, the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.
(Psalm 139:9-12)
Dietrich Bonhoeffer once commented, "It is remarkable that I am never quite clear about the motives for any of my decisions." Nailing down the desires that move our acting in the world can feel like trying to catch the wind or find our bearing on an endless sea (v. 9). Yet, says the psalmist, even there, in the swell of our emotions, the Spirit is leading us, His hand guarding and holding us steady (v. 10). Trusting that God has you and your desires, ask the Spirit to search the depths of your soul to help you see what is darkened by fear or pride or abandonment or wounds or sin: revealing the true light of what you long for (v. 11-12).
Please look at these questions, ask them of the Spirit, listen to the still, small voice, and write down what you hear/see.
What am I motivated to do, keep doing, and get better at for decades?
What have I truly loved thus far in my life?
What has uplifted my soul, dominated and delighted it simultaneously?
What tension or problem arouses great waves of moral, spiritual, and relational energy in me?
Allow yourself to rest in your responses for a moment, finding the friendship of God's faithfulness a safe place for your soul to dwell. Let the Father examen you as you consider the things you wrote down, allowing the Spirit to lead you, showing you if there is something more to what you want. Again, write down what you hear.
Step 3 | Trust in the LORD and Do Good
Read Psalm 37:3-11
Often, we move from identifying what we want directly to attaining what we want. But the psalmist tells us our first step is to trust and do good, to live today and feed on the faithfulness of God, finding safe pasture in life with Him. Then, when our hearts are delighted in the reality of our life wholly enmeshed in His, can we receive from Him what we desire most.
So, rather than writing out the next steps for getting what you want, write out what good you can do today for the people and in the roles and responsibilities already before you, letting your desires rest in the safe pasture of God’s faithfulness.
Step 4 | Commit
Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light
(Psalm 37:5-6a)
Write out a commitment to the LORD as a prayer of gratitude, trust, and expectation of receiving what He desires to give you.